Do I know myself?

Being home for a year if you ask me how I feel and how is life. I think I will have to write it down to answer this. I keep reading many philosophical posts everywhere about Yoga and Life and Better Living etc. I wonder sometimes life can be so simple? I don’t know if I can explain but yes, I can definitely write my experiences with life and thoughts on it. Lets give it a try.

It all started from the day when I was a little girl and my parents got me into this practice of always being truthful and not being violent no matter how the situation is. Neither my parents nor me were even little aware that it’s one of the Yamas one has to follow in order to begin their journey on the path of Yoga. It was just because my father was very strict and I did not have the audacity to disobey him, knowing he is trying to instill a good virtue i followed despite of getting bullied at school and by my own siblings sometimes at home. My timidness made me truthful and benevolent for life and every time I fell into a situation it saved me from punishments. Now if I go back to those times and look through my life, I understand the benefits, my parents never raised their voice towards me neither I was beaten up by them like my siblings. Teachers and elders also never had issues but I always came across as a most well behaved and sincere student.

I do remember situations that I went through and came out safe where someone’s life would have been ruined for no good reasons. There were some very unpleasant experiences I had with some human beings I pray to God to forgive them for their ignorance, but luckily God saved me, I believed it was my good Karma (taking about my good behavior towards others).

Everyone has a life of roller coaster but mine looked more confusing to me. I think that confusion was all about the self-enquiry I made in order to live my life better or I should say more comfortable at that stage where I knew nothing about my existence but still, I existed, the cosmos existed and my questions existed too.

The little information that I had for that age also looked like a mistake or a big goof up and was dumped inside a big trunk and locked forever. I don’t know how many such enquiries I made and locked them up following my own imagination of it being stupid or of no sense, but the irony is everything that exist in the cosmos makes sense and hence exist and keep existing and rolling back and forth until you have completely known the truth and accepted it. I couldn’t make peace with it so struggled and kept struggling till the moment I felt NOW it’s the TIME.

And here on my Real Yoga journey began. As Sage Patanjali Says Athah, for me it was that NOW. Life began and became even more worse than expected, it was then I realized life is not going to be easy with this new piece of information that I am going to learn. It was like jumping in the ocean of unknown. I will sail through but I can also die. That fear couldn’t shake my determination to know myself better. I had to dig deep, very deep this time.

This time I have to ask and ask and ask until my questions are answered.

I accept I was a tiny spec in the huge cosmos and with my little consciousness I recently gained I knew will not allow me to tap into the plethora of knowledge within me that is yet to be discovered but my will power will surely lead me to the way.

My journey on this path opened up many possibilities and challenges. My enquiries were answered in the form of riddles and unlocking them sounded close to impossible. It’s not impossible I said.

Deep contemplations were required to understand. Before I could think and look out for the answers I had to go back to my questions and understand where are they coming from. Why this question? What made me to make this enquiry. I had to look back at myself and keep asking this. I then realized the answers were lying within me. Its me who can answer my questions the best but only when there a great awareness. That consciousness which can know anything and everything is within me.

I understood answer to all my question is one — Mediation. Go inward, reach to yourself, Sounds very impressive right. How I wish it was that easy. And here I start another journey toward finding myself. This time most important question I had was to know myself. I thought this alone would solve 99% problems of my life. No doubt I was right.

Swadhyay or self-study or introspection is again nothing but making an enquiry to yourself, so now my questions shifted to who am I? why do I exist? what is the purpose of my life? Definitely not a rocket science but seemed like more than that. But I continued without looking back.

It has been few years now and I still keep asking this question to my myself time and again. Every time the answer is different and leads to a disclosure of certain truths about myself. Every answer takes me closer to knowing myself more and surprise me in many ways. I am not what i see and feel or identify myself with but I am much more.

Calling myself a Yogi and knowing a bit about myself, I now understand myself as a pure consciousness who keeps identifying itself with all the matter around. Its really mesmerizing to understand my diverse patterns of existence, every time I unite with this matter to create a different version of myself. Talking about the Trigunas (referring to Samkhya here)and their play. I am still far from knowing many unknown truths about myself but I enjoy all these tiny details of me that are coming along with all the experiences and discoveries. I think I want to take time and keep enquiring. It’s the process, the process of knowing, the process of growth. After all what’s the harm in knowing something new about myself every day. It makes life worth looking forward for.